A new word for Exhausted

I need a new word for exhausted. Because I am tired of using that one over and over again. And most days it feels like that word doesn't begin to cover how I feel. Hubby being on night shift makes me feel like a single parent. I took the girls out of town for my stepmom's surprise birthday party, and they acted like they've been living in a cave and have never been in a restaurant before. Screaming at the top of their lungs, and running around. I feel like the asshole for having bad kids and I feel like an asshole for being mean to my kids. And we were all so tired yesterday, and they were just insane and I was too tired to put up with it. And I go to bed feeling like the worst parent in the world. I work full time, and we have a lot of things going on on the weekends, and I am fixing to take a night class in the Fall. Yes they are in dance classes, and yes we go to parties and things like that, but I see all these parents who do crafts and stuff like that with their kids, and that's just not me. I feel like such a lazy failure. I hate night shift because it exaggerates everything. Makes everything harder. The kids miss Marty. My 2nd daughter barely goes to him because she doesn't see him as often. And that saddens me. The kids are going to my parents this weekend, and I hope to get some rest and a new outlook on life.

Officer Down

Wednesday June 24, 2015 the neighboring town, Hutto, lost a Sergeant while on duty. The suspect ran over him with his own patrol car. Because our two towns are small and so close, we are devastated. As a community and a Framily. Someone described it as trying to put a puzzle back together but you'll always be missing a piece. I personally didn't know him. But a lot of our officers did. I personally don't know his wife, but I know of her. I know she was me, praying to never receive the knock on the door, with the Chief standing on the other side. Praying to hold it together while he informs her, he's gone. Hutto's first line of duty death. She now has to raise her children alone. Their life plans of growing old together, shattered in an instant of bad decisions. Sleeping alone in their bed alone, night after night, until she can no longer smell his scent. Reminding their children who their daddy was and why he's in Heaven now. And not coming back, ever. Children have no concept of such finality. The youngest is only 4 years old. Only 4 years of memories worth, that will have to last a lifetime.

I am so proud of how our community rallied around his wife and the other officers. I am so proud of our wives who organized so much in such a little time. Anything to give his wife just a tiny glimmer of peace. I rode in my first procession, and while it was devastating to even need to be in there, it was heart warming to see the community lined up on the sides of the roads. I feel the other LEOs needed to see the community still cares. Even with everything going on in the media, they are still wanted and respected. Fundraisers are happening all the time. Every day things are being done for the family, to try and make life a little easier, a little less painful.

I think this was a wake up call to our officers. A normal everyday occurrence went horribly wrong. Had he just let go, maybe he'd still be here today. It also showed the officers that the ones left behind are the ones so devastated. The wives, the kids, the families, the friends and other officers. I don't know how you would move on. But I know that you do and you will. I pray I never have to write one of these again.