I gave Up

I took an Anatomy Class last Fall semester. Failed every single test, no matter how hard or little I studied. Got the same grades. So I did something I regret, I gave up. I stopped studying as hard. I did the bare minimum. I never stopped going though. And I never stopped doing the assignments. But my heart wasn't in it. I was so excited when I started the semester and when I got that final failing grade, I fell into a tailspin of depression. I was so mad at myself, and felt like I disappointed everyone around me. My husband let me know he was disappointed because of the sacrifices that he had made, like taking care of the children by himself. I started seeing a therapist, so I could work through the feelings of worthlessness. I am not sure if it's helping. He doesn't understand the pressures put on a police family. Why it can drive you batty from the loneliness and anxiety of it all. I will try a few more with him and see how I feel. I start a new medical coding course this week. Something, anything to change my current professional path. I hate the company I work for. I hate what I am doing. I am nothing more than a used car salesman.

9/11/01 Never Forget

"But I know Jesus and I talk to God 
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, Hope and Love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is Love"

I know where I was that morning. I know that someone called me and that meant I was their person. Because who else did you call when the world was ending? It took me 14 years to see that. I hope that person can forgive me someday for the wrongs I did.
I pray that there is peace for the First Responders. I pray for peace for the familes whose lives were changed in an instant. For children who will never know/meet their parents. For a whole generation who grew up with this fear of terrorist attacks looming over their heads. For the men and women who enlisted and gave up their lives to try and protect our great country from future attacks. For the families who let them. I pray for the First Responders who worked that day and are dying of illnesses attributed to the wreckage. I pray for those who have been suffering from PTSD. They saw and heard things no person should ever have to. The pain and suffering so raw. I pray our Country can find that kind of solidarity again. A country reunited in love, not separated by hate. The madness must stop. The lines drawn in the sand need to stop. The hatred must stop. And the love must begin again. The solidarity must begin again. USA must begin again.

Bitchy Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday and I cried most of the afternoon and evening. Let me start from the beginning. Sissy, Stepmom, and I went to San Francisco last Thursday to celebrate my stepmom's 60th birthday. ( I know you're thinking quit being bitchy, you got to go to San Fran). I worked really hard and saved my money since March to go on this trip. I've had it planned and took off from work, even set up the kids with grandparents, so Hubby wouldn't have to do too much except drive them around. He stayed in SA with his mom and the kids. Had a great time in SF, though I was exhausted from walking for 3 days straight and the time change. Got back to SA around 1am Sunday night/Monday morning. Stepmom's luggage got sent to San Diego for some strange reason. Slept in until 8:30 Monday morning and drove home. I knew Abbey had a rough few days while I was gone, but I wanted one more day of just being me. I wanted to get a massage, unpack, relax, before I had to go adult and parent again. I knew if the kids were to see me, they'd never go to the sitter's that day. I told hubby that, and to please take them. Instead he chose to keep them at home. So I came home to wild kids, and a messy disgusting house. On my birthday. He didn't even think to do the dishes that had been sitting there since Thursday. He didn't think to take out the trash or recycling. Or put up any of their clothes or straighten up the living room. And then I found out he really hadn't taken off from work last night. I was hoping he was going to surprise me and stay home, but no. He really didn't. We went to lunch and then got raspas. When we got home, he hadn't been paying attention and the batteries on the security deadbolt died. So guess who couldn't get into their house all afternoon in 98 degree heat? As soon as we finally broke into our house, Abbey had to nap and I had to get their stuff ready for dance. After dance, none of my friends wanted to meet up for the baseball game or dinner or anything. I was so hurt and sad. I could barely breathe from how sad I was. Birthdays are important to me and I always try to make people's birthday special for them. I don't know why it was so crushing, but it was and still is. I did come to work and my desk was decorated and coworker baked me cake, cleaned my desk, and they also bought me a bad ass heater since I am always complaining about being cold. It's sad when your coworkers do more for you than your husband.   Hubby works 6 days this week, then he's out of town next week, and then he works 6 days the following week. I do everything mostly by myself. I wanted one day to feel special and relax and do nothing. And I didn't get that.

A new word for Exhausted

I need a new word for exhausted. Because I am tired of using that one over and over again. And most days it feels like that word doesn't begin to cover how I feel. Hubby being on night shift makes me feel like a single parent. I took the girls out of town for my stepmom's surprise birthday party, and they acted like they've been living in a cave and have never been in a restaurant before. Screaming at the top of their lungs, and running around. I feel like the asshole for having bad kids and I feel like an asshole for being mean to my kids. And we were all so tired yesterday, and they were just insane and I was too tired to put up with it. And I go to bed feeling like the worst parent in the world. I work full time, and we have a lot of things going on on the weekends, and I am fixing to take a night class in the Fall. Yes they are in dance classes, and yes we go to parties and things like that, but I see all these parents who do crafts and stuff like that with their kids, and that's just not me. I feel like such a lazy failure. I hate night shift because it exaggerates everything. Makes everything harder. The kids miss Marty. My 2nd daughter barely goes to him because she doesn't see him as often. And that saddens me. The kids are going to my parents this weekend, and I hope to get some rest and a new outlook on life.

Officer Down

Wednesday June 24, 2015 the neighboring town, Hutto, lost a Sergeant while on duty. The suspect ran over him with his own patrol car. Because our two towns are small and so close, we are devastated. As a community and a Framily. Someone described it as trying to put a puzzle back together but you'll always be missing a piece. I personally didn't know him. But a lot of our officers did. I personally don't know his wife, but I know of her. I know she was me, praying to never receive the knock on the door, with the Chief standing on the other side. Praying to hold it together while he informs her, he's gone. Hutto's first line of duty death. She now has to raise her children alone. Their life plans of growing old together, shattered in an instant of bad decisions. Sleeping alone in their bed alone, night after night, until she can no longer smell his scent. Reminding their children who their daddy was and why he's in Heaven now. And not coming back, ever. Children have no concept of such finality. The youngest is only 4 years old. Only 4 years of memories worth, that will have to last a lifetime.

I am so proud of how our community rallied around his wife and the other officers. I am so proud of our wives who organized so much in such a little time. Anything to give his wife just a tiny glimmer of peace. I rode in my first procession, and while it was devastating to even need to be in there, it was heart warming to see the community lined up on the sides of the roads. I feel the other LEOs needed to see the community still cares. Even with everything going on in the media, they are still wanted and respected. Fundraisers are happening all the time. Every day things are being done for the family, to try and make life a little easier, a little less painful.

I think this was a wake up call to our officers. A normal everyday occurrence went horribly wrong. Had he just let go, maybe he'd still be here today. It also showed the officers that the ones left behind are the ones so devastated. The wives, the kids, the families, the friends and other officers. I don't know how you would move on. But I know that you do and you will. I pray I never have to write one of these again.

You'd think I'd have more time

You would think with class being over for the summer I would have more time. But I don't. Life is getting so busy. I got an A in my class. I am so proud of myself. I passed the assessment test with 40/50. I signed up for a Fall night class. Resigned myself to working in the Fall to help financially. But determined that Spring I would have to quit my job since Hubby will be on nights. Abbey had to have tubes put in both ears. Poor thing. Her hearing was fuzzy and her balance off. She handled it like a trooper, of course. She was in and out within 15 mins. It's amazing how fast it goes now. I wish we hadn't waited so long. I am hoping she starts enunciating better now. My parents are coming up for Father's Day weekend. Express baseball tomorrow night!! We love baseball so much and I think it's a great family memory to have.

Too to apologize

I feel like all I am doing is apologizing lately. To everyone. I don't have enough time in the day. I don't give 100% to anyone. My 1 class is taking up a lot of time. I keep telling myself it will be over soon. I've only got a few more weeks. And then working full time. The K9 Memorial Fund stuff. The kiddos. I am trying really hard to be more patient with them. I hate myself after I yell at them. I don't understand why they don't understand I am at my limit lol. They are growing up so fast, and so beautiful. God they are so beautiful, inside and out. Abbey is coming into her own personality. She's so hard headed and learning all the things, and every day she says a new word and I am like where did this come from?? Harper is such a heart breakingly good sweet loveably girl and I am missing out on this and with me being so tired and impatient, I am too mean to her. Too mean. And with the ugly voice. While talking about it here, is cathartic, it doesn't fix the situation. Only love and patience will. She is talking to her dolls the same way I talk to her and that's unacceptable.