9/11/01 Never Forget

"But I know Jesus and I talk to God 
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, Hope and Love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is Love"

I know where I was that morning. I know that someone called me and that meant I was their person. Because who else did you call when the world was ending? It took me 14 years to see that. I hope that person can forgive me someday for the wrongs I did.
I pray that there is peace for the First Responders. I pray for peace for the familes whose lives were changed in an instant. For children who will never know/meet their parents. For a whole generation who grew up with this fear of terrorist attacks looming over their heads. For the men and women who enlisted and gave up their lives to try and protect our great country from future attacks. For the families who let them. I pray for the First Responders who worked that day and are dying of illnesses attributed to the wreckage. I pray for those who have been suffering from PTSD. They saw and heard things no person should ever have to. The pain and suffering so raw. I pray our Country can find that kind of solidarity again. A country reunited in love, not separated by hate. The madness must stop. The lines drawn in the sand need to stop. The hatred must stop. And the love must begin again. The solidarity must begin again. USA must begin again.

Bitchy Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday and I cried most of the afternoon and evening. Let me start from the beginning. Sissy, Stepmom, and I went to San Francisco last Thursday to celebrate my stepmom's 60th birthday. ( I know you're thinking quit being bitchy, you got to go to San Fran). I worked really hard and saved my money since March to go on this trip. I've had it planned and took off from work, even set up the kids with grandparents, so Hubby wouldn't have to do too much except drive them around. He stayed in SA with his mom and the kids. Had a great time in SF, though I was exhausted from walking for 3 days straight and the time change. Got back to SA around 1am Sunday night/Monday morning. Stepmom's luggage got sent to San Diego for some strange reason. Slept in until 8:30 Monday morning and drove home. I knew Abbey had a rough few days while I was gone, but I wanted one more day of just being me. I wanted to get a massage, unpack, relax, before I had to go adult and parent again. I knew if the kids were to see me, they'd never go to the sitter's that day. I told hubby that, and to please take them. Instead he chose to keep them at home. So I came home to wild kids, and a messy disgusting house. On my birthday. He didn't even think to do the dishes that had been sitting there since Thursday. He didn't think to take out the trash or recycling. Or put up any of their clothes or straighten up the living room. And then I found out he really hadn't taken off from work last night. I was hoping he was going to surprise me and stay home, but no. He really didn't. We went to lunch and then got raspas. When we got home, he hadn't been paying attention and the batteries on the security deadbolt died. So guess who couldn't get into their house all afternoon in 98 degree heat? As soon as we finally broke into our house, Abbey had to nap and I had to get their stuff ready for dance. After dance, none of my friends wanted to meet up for the baseball game or dinner or anything. I was so hurt and sad. I could barely breathe from how sad I was. Birthdays are important to me and I always try to make people's birthday special for them. I don't know why it was so crushing, but it was and still is. I did come to work and my desk was decorated and coworker baked me cake, cleaned my desk, and they also bought me a bad ass heater since I am always complaining about being cold. It's sad when your coworkers do more for you than your husband.   Hubby works 6 days this week, then he's out of town next week, and then he works 6 days the following week. I do everything mostly by myself. I wanted one day to feel special and relax and do nothing. And I didn't get that.

A new word for Exhausted

I need a new word for exhausted. Because I am tired of using that one over and over again. And most days it feels like that word doesn't begin to cover how I feel. Hubby being on night shift makes me feel like a single parent. I took the girls out of town for my stepmom's surprise birthday party, and they acted like they've been living in a cave and have never been in a restaurant before. Screaming at the top of their lungs, and running around. I feel like the asshole for having bad kids and I feel like an asshole for being mean to my kids. And we were all so tired yesterday, and they were just insane and I was too tired to put up with it. And I go to bed feeling like the worst parent in the world. I work full time, and we have a lot of things going on on the weekends, and I am fixing to take a night class in the Fall. Yes they are in dance classes, and yes we go to parties and things like that, but I see all these parents who do crafts and stuff like that with their kids, and that's just not me. I feel like such a lazy failure. I hate night shift because it exaggerates everything. Makes everything harder. The kids miss Marty. My 2nd daughter barely goes to him because she doesn't see him as often. And that saddens me. The kids are going to my parents this weekend, and I hope to get some rest and a new outlook on life.

Officer Down

Wednesday June 24, 2015 the neighboring town, Hutto, lost a Sergeant while on duty. The suspect ran over him with his own patrol car. Because our two towns are small and so close, we are devastated. As a community and a Framily. Someone described it as trying to put a puzzle back together but you'll always be missing a piece. I personally didn't know him. But a lot of our officers did. I personally don't know his wife, but I know of her. I know she was me, praying to never receive the knock on the door, with the Chief standing on the other side. Praying to hold it together while he informs her, he's gone. Hutto's first line of duty death. She now has to raise her children alone. Their life plans of growing old together, shattered in an instant of bad decisions. Sleeping alone in their bed alone, night after night, until she can no longer smell his scent. Reminding their children who their daddy was and why he's in Heaven now. And not coming back, ever. Children have no concept of such finality. The youngest is only 4 years old. Only 4 years of memories worth, that will have to last a lifetime.

I am so proud of how our community rallied around his wife and the other officers. I am so proud of our wives who organized so much in such a little time. Anything to give his wife just a tiny glimmer of peace. I rode in my first procession, and while it was devastating to even need to be in there, it was heart warming to see the community lined up on the sides of the roads. I feel the other LEOs needed to see the community still cares. Even with everything going on in the media, they are still wanted and respected. Fundraisers are happening all the time. Every day things are being done for the family, to try and make life a little easier, a little less painful.

I think this was a wake up call to our officers. A normal everyday occurrence went horribly wrong. Had he just let go, maybe he'd still be here today. It also showed the officers that the ones left behind are the ones so devastated. The wives, the kids, the families, the friends and other officers. I don't know how you would move on. But I know that you do and you will. I pray I never have to write one of these again.

You'd think I'd have more time

You would think with class being over for the summer I would have more time. But I don't. Life is getting so busy. I got an A in my class. I am so proud of myself. I passed the assessment test with 40/50. I signed up for a Fall night class. Resigned myself to working in the Fall to help financially. But determined that Spring I would have to quit my job since Hubby will be on nights. Abbey had to have tubes put in both ears. Poor thing. Her hearing was fuzzy and her balance off. She handled it like a trooper, of course. She was in and out within 15 mins. It's amazing how fast it goes now. I wish we hadn't waited so long. I am hoping she starts enunciating better now. My parents are coming up for Father's Day weekend. Express baseball tomorrow night!! We love baseball so much and I think it's a great family memory to have.

Too to apologize

I feel like all I am doing is apologizing lately. To everyone. I don't have enough time in the day. I don't give 100% to anyone. My 1 class is taking up a lot of time. I keep telling myself it will be over soon. I've only got a few more weeks. And then working full time. The K9 Memorial Fund stuff. The kiddos. I am trying really hard to be more patient with them. I hate myself after I yell at them. I don't understand why they don't understand I am at my limit lol. They are growing up so fast, and so beautiful. God they are so beautiful, inside and out. Abbey is coming into her own personality. She's so hard headed and learning all the things, and every day she says a new word and I am like where did this come from?? Harper is such a heart breakingly good sweet loveably girl and I am missing out on this and with me being so tired and impatient, I am too mean to her. Too mean. And with the ugly voice. While talking about it here, is cathartic, it doesn't fix the situation. Only love and patience will. She is talking to her dolls the same way I talk to her and that's unacceptable.

It's been a while.

I know it's been a while. So much going on. School is taking up a lot of my time. Family is taking up a lot of my time. Work is taking too much of my time. Hubby was out of town for a conference, and the kids were at Grandma's. I worked a booth for our K9 Memorial Fund at a BBQ and now I am sick from the BBQ smoke. I also had to coach TBall with Abbey attached to my hip. She refused to let me put her down and so now my back hurts from bending down and picking up balls while holding her. But she wanted to play ball so bad, it was so cute. And I am PMSing so I was in a bad mood all day yesterday. I am achy and I need more sleep.

Watched a video of the Brawl in Arizona. That was insane. It was only funny because the officer were okay. But that was ridiculous. And a Christian band and family at that. I am so digusted.

Life too fast

We went to a carnival last night, and both girls rode a pony, and then Harper rode a camel. The girl who ran screaming from Spike 2 years ago, is now riding ponies and camels. I am thrilled by this, but it makes me realize how fast this goes by. So many things happen so fast. I feel like I am grabbing at memories, and they are flying by me. I signed up Abbey for dance starting in July. I don't know if she's ready for it, but we will find out. I don't want to not try.
 I am also working full time, and taking 1 class online. I am so proud of myself for taking this class and I pray I can continue with the same dedication I have now. It's going to be hard, financially, mentally, all that "ly" stuff, but I HAVE to finish this. I have to see through with school. I need to finish something in my life. If I can't get a degree, why should my children. I want to inspire them. I need to hug them more. That was my random thought when thinking about them.
Harper starts Kindergarten in the Fall and there are so many things happening leading up to that. I am finding it hard to let go. She's going to have to make decisions on her own and go off training we have given so far. She's such a sweet kind trusting person, and that is so good, it can harm her too. I think this is something every parent must feel and go through as you go through transitions. But I am just taking it to heart.

Working out

Lately, I've been getting up at 5 am to go workout. Yeah, I know it's crazy. Especially for me. But I like it. I actually like it. And I didn't go Wednesday morning, because St. Patrick's Day tiredness, and I actually missed it. What is wrong with me??

Didn't mean to take so long

Whoops, Didn't mean to go so long without posting. Not much has been going on. Signed up for an online class to help me prepare for the test in June. I have to take a test to even register for Anatomy. I was going to try and do it on my own, but I'd feel more prepared if I took this class. And one happens to be starting March 23. Good timing.
We go next Monday to register Harper for Kindergarten. Already. I can't believe my baby is going to be 5. I am petrified of sending her to a big school where I have no control over what happens to her. I am worried that she will be scared or lost. What if someone takes her? What if she's unhappy? What about all the What ifs?? I guess this is part of letting them grow up. We've talked to her about stranger danger, and will keep reiterating it all the time.
I did a mockup of my school schedule. I wish I could register right now. I am so excited. I just want to get started. I wish we could afford for me to start in the summer, but we just can't. We are starting to pay off more bills. Trying to eat more at home. Less luxuries. Going to buckle down.
I say less luxuries, but here I am planning 2 trips. One for the girls' birthdays. It will be a dual trip down to the beach. And then in late July, going to San Francisco with my stepmom and Sissy. I am so excited. I have never been. I am starting to save up now, so hopefully it won't hurt too much in the pocketbooks while we are there. We are going to go to Alcatraz and do some winery tours. It'll be a quick weekend trip.
Not much to report right now. I am going to try and be better about this.
Hubby has had stuff going on at work that is making the papers. I feel for him and his shift, but the guy did it to himself. I have little to no patience which is surprising.This guy lost his career and his way of life, owed to stupid choices he made. Ugh.

Recharging weekend and other stuff

Kids went to their grandparents for the weekend. It was awesome. Got some sleep. Cleaned up just a tiny bit. Hubby and I got some date time. I got to go bra shopping with out screaming children, so that was nice.
Friday, we went out with some other couples to a Country Dance Bar, after we dropped off the kids. Stayed out until 1:30am. Only had a few drinks but felt so hungover the next morning, since we were up so late. Got up, ate breakfast with Hubby, sent him off fishing, and I went shopping. Thank you Bonus Weekend!
Hubby forgot to make reservations for Saturday night dinner at my favorite restaurant, so we went to another place. Wildflower. It was pretty darn good, especially for being 2nd choice. I am just glad they could get us in. I was so disappointed about Gumbos (my favorite), that I almost started crying. I had been looking forward to it for weeks. I think Hubby knows he messed up. Hopefully this will be a life lesson for him on not forgetting. I was nice about it, just kept reminding myself that we were blessed to be able to go anywhere at all.
Then I went and got my tattoo! I would post a picture of it, but it's not letting me. I got Matthew 5:9 on my wrist. I loves it super hard. It's for my Hubby and our Thin Blue Line Family. I was going to get Abbey's feet on my foot, but lost the card with the imprint. I was so looking forward to getting it. I am so disappointed in myself.
Then we went to Brass Tap, a local place in town, and met up with some friends. It was awesome just relaxing and hanging out. I had only 2 drinks, didn't want to feel like shit on my day off.
Slept in Sunday morning. Hubby and I grabbed brunch and promptly ignored each other while we placed on our phones for a while. Cleaned a few things up. Went and got kids. Promptly wished they had stayed at their grandparents. Haha. Harper had diarrhea, so we had to pull over on the side of the road for her to poop. That was gross. We also stayed home Monday to make sure we didn't pass it along.
Harper and I made homemade muffins and a semihomemade dinner. No body likes the muffins, exccept me and the dinner was a huge hit. Harper loves to do the dishes, and I encourage her to help me. I want the help as long as I can get it.
We also found out who cut Abbey's hair. Friday night, when we were out to eat, I tried to put Abbey's hair in a ponytail, and noticed it was a lot shorter and harder to do. I asked the baby sitter if she cut her hair, and she said no. I was so upset all weekend, because that was her 1st hair cut. Harper didn't have her hair cut until she was 3. So Hubby did a police interview technique on her, and got a full confession. She showed us which scissors she used and which trashcan she threw all the hair away in. At least it's a good story for the future, and I know her hair will grow back. Right it's a mullet though, sorry baby.
This post is all over the place and long but I don't even know if anyone is reading, so there.
One of the wives has cancer. She doesn't want anyone to know, her right, but she isn't doing well. She's probably in the final stages. And what blows me away is she refused Chemo. She has a young daughter. The wife is very organic and only eats certain organic foods, etc. If I got cancer, I would move Heaven and Hell and take anything I could to try and get better. I don't know her whole story, so I am trying not to judge. And I would also let Hubby tell people. Not for me, but for supporting my Hubby. Let people make him and the girls dinner. Let people watch the girls so he could go up to the hospital or take me to appointments. Let people help with money. Let people help. Because when I am gone, he's going to need a lot of support. It just makes me so sad, she's probably going to have to leave her family. And I don't feel she did everything in her power to get better. So yes, I guess that's me judging. Her husband knows we are here for them, and are just waiting until we get the all clear to help. I will say she did experimental treatments in Mexico, and they seemed to work. But she picked up a virus while down there and it set her back. It would knock down a normally healthy person, but for someone with a weakened immune system, it's devestating. If you're reading this please keep their family in your prayers. They need all they can get.
I'll leave you on that heavy note.

Kidless Weekend

It's Valentine's Weekend and the girls are going to their grandparents!! The thing I am most excited about? Sleep. And lack of responsibilty. Like for serious. I am a mom, so my brain is never turned off. It's exhausting. And I will worry about them at my parents. Because that's what moms do. I will probably even have an anxiety attack about them being gone. But is the panic enough that they would stay at home with us? That's a negative Ghost Rider. I value my sleep and sanity too much. In theory, we are meeting up with friends tonight after we drop the girls off.
Then, I am going to do some light shopping tomorrow morning. Bras are needed, and other than the sleep, it's one of the top highlights of my weekend. Hubby forgot to make reservations anywhere, so we are going to my favorite special place, Gumbos North, around 4 to try and get a seat. After that, I am getting tattoos!! I am so freaking excited. I am getting "Matthew 5:9" and Abbey's feetprint on my foot. I have Harper's on there, and I need to do Abbey's. It's only fair. I already have 3. Tribal trampstamp, from when I was 16. Harper's feet, and the Irish Trinity on my wrist. Once you get some, they become addicting.
I will probably read some of my pre test info. I need to get an Anatomy book. It;s time to get started, so I am not overwhelmed towards the end.
I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day Weekend. Remember to love all year round.

First Baby Steps

I went today to talk to an advisor at school. It was very informative, and though I am thoroughly terrified, I know more things. I know what classes I will need to take to start off, and I am so close to applying to nursing school. I only have a few classes left to apply, but since I need financial aid, and my classes have to be taken in order, then I have to take 3 semesters to finish. But I will be able to get all my prereqs out of the way, and even some of my classes for my BSN done. I printed out my test assesment prep, put it into binders, and will start my reading when I get home. I have 2 schools I can apply to that are in my area. I need to get my GPA up a little bit to help me. There's a wait list?! That's crazy. How does that work? Don't these young kids know I have a family to feed? But that's just more motivation to work harder, and get better grades. I am so excited. I love to learn. I am curious to see what I've retained too. Good thing you can prep for the test. No more Game of Thrones, 50 Shades, or other light reading. It's all mitosis and organisms from here.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

"Dreams don't have deadlines. Believe in yourself".

So many things have happened recently. I am still not feeling well, which really pisses me off. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Ugh. We found out, the same time as the rest of America, that another company will be trying to buy out my company. If that happens, more than likely, I won't have a job any more. That has caused me to sit down and really focus on what I want to be when I grow up. I wake up every day, thankful I have a job that pays the bills, and allows the extras, and I have a kick ass boss, though he's a pain in the ass too, though he means well.
But I don't feel fulfilled. I've struggled with this for a long time. My friends have careers and love what they do. I push paper and pencils to people who argue with me over a price difference of $0.05. I struggled at my bank as well, but I left to come to my current position. I thought more money would cover up that feeling. It masked it for a while. But it's back and yelling at me. So with Hubby's support, I've decided to go back to school in August. Regardless if my position is still here or not. It's time I put my big girl panties on and finish school. I've got 70+ hours under my belt. No degree. I want to go to Nursing School. I want to feel like I am making a difference. I want to help people. I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
Also, how can I stress the importance of school to my children if I didn't finish. I want people to be proud of me, but most of all, I want to be proud of myself. I want to finish something. Another benefit is I love school. I love to learn. I love knowing things. I think that is what separates us from the amoebas. I'm full of random useless trivia. And I love it. I love being smart and knowing ALL THE THINGS!!! And I am smart enough to know I hardly know anything in this world. I want to learn it all. I think that's partly what life is about. Constantly learning. As I am teaching my daughters and learned from the Duggars, "Practice makes Progress". Thanks Duggars!
I know there are lots of things to worry about. Like paying bills. I will need a new laptop, mine is fried, (though I love Laptoppy). Doing this with 2 kids. Getting good grades. But I have to do it. I have to finish. For my sake.
As the great LL Cool J said, "Dreams don't have deadlines. Believe in yourself". I HEAR YOU LL! Loud and Clear!

It Smells Like Pee

That's not what I wanted to talk about, but just as I was starting to write, I smelled pee. Turns out, my neighbor/coworker is eating homemade weird pee smelling popcorn. To each their own. So the Super Bowl happened yesterday. We were invited to one of Hubby's co-worker's house. I got to meet a lot of wives on his new shift. I say this is his new shift, but in reality it's not. He's been on this shift for about a year and a half. But unlike our last shift, I never really met any of the wives. Our last shift, the majority of the wives were best friends, and still are. We are super close and our kids are too. This new shift, not so much. Another wife and I Co-Created a wives group called WOPO. It's our way of making sure the wives know each other, in case of an emergency. We try to have a get together when we can, and it gives us a nice night out and away from spouses or kids. In fact, we are hosting a K9 Memorial Fund BBQ in May. So anyways, I am always trying to make sure all the wives belong to the Wives group, so no one feels left out, and they can have a break, and help out with our BBQ and whatever else we do in the future. I was asking one of the new gals I met yesterday, if she belonged to WOPO, because I didn't recognize her name. Well, hilarity ensued and I learned to ask Hubby beforehand who someone is. Turns out, she was not a wife, but a girlfriend. And she wanted to be more serious, and her boyfriend didn't. And so when I asked, that brought up some feelings of resentment from her. And since the whole shift knows about the boyfriend's lack of wanting something serious, he got much ribbing. I don't care that he doesn't want something serious, he's super young, and he's not lying to her. I just wish Hubby had warned me beforehand, so I didn't embarrass her or myself. And then I wound up not asking any of the wives/spouses/partners/significant others/girlfriends I met for the rest of the evening, just in case. And I missed out on a great opportunity to network with new people, and discuss the BBQ. But I didn't want it to be any more awkward than it already was, and I didn't want to exclude her. Other than that, the girls had a great time playing. There were equal boys and girls, and they were tired when they got home. Abbey even slept through the night.
Back to the Super Bowl, I heard a football game broke out at a fight. That reminded me of one of my all-time favorite scenes from a movie. Necessary Roughness. Laughter will follow, know this.
Hubby didn't get to go hunting this weekend. I actually feel bad for him. I know he really wanted to go, and take his son on his first hunting trip. But the guide canceled, and what can you do. I am thankful he was here with us though. It rained a lot and I still don't feel well. He got to see Harper at her volleyball class, and we went to get Harper's haircut afterwards. He and Abbey stayed in the car while she napped. We had a 45 minute wait, so that would have never happened had I been alone. Then I dropped them off at the house, and went grocery shopping alone. At my Happy Place (a story for another post). And it was raining, so I had to unload groceries in the pouring ass rain. I wouldn't have wanted to do that with the girls by myself. Watched a non-animated adult movie (not porn, just not for kids), which is rare. It was called Blended. Super cute movie with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. And we just kind of hung out. Super low key. Sunday morning, I tackled Mount Laundry. I love finding shirts I have long forgotten about. There was a pack n'play underneath. And a small tribe of indigenous Laundry people.

Tax Time

It's that dreaded time of year again. Nope, not the annual visit to the OB/GYN for your pap. It's TAX TIME!! I've owed in the past and I dread every year. Will we get some money back? Will we owe? How much? I claim "0" and Hubby surprised me by saying he claims "2". All these years I had no idea! We deduct what we can. This year we made too much to claim our children. WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?!? I pay a Hell of a lot for daycare and dance and Tball and volleyball and private PreK. These little monsters are super expensive. And I get nothing for having them? So, we don't get to claim child support. We don't get to claim the insurance we pay on all 4 kids. We don't get to claim the 2 that we have at home? Maybe this will keep the people who have more and more kids for benefits from having more kids. Though, they probably don't make enough to get the same answer I did. This is bogus bullshit. We can't afford for me not to work, and we almost can't afford for me TO work.

Not an Introduction

I could start this blog off with a long introduction about who and what I am, but there's too much. And that might take some of the fun out of reading my blog. I still don't even know the answer to those questions all the time. And it can change daily. This blog will be about my daily/weekly life. Sometimes it will be easy, and sometimes it will be hard. I will just jump right in. Hubby likes to go hunting and fishing, a lot. It rarely happens because we have 2 kids and he works a lot, but when it does, I feel so inconvenienced. I already do a lot of the child rearing alone due to his schedule, and now he wants to take off on a vacation? Usually the rule is, he can only go on a weekend he'd otherwise be working. This weekend, due to scheduling conflicts, he gets to go on his weekend off. And of course, I am coming down with a cold. Ugh. He worked last weekend, and is gone this weekend. So I told him he "owed me" and am making him take the following weekend off to help me. We have to go out of town for family stuff anyways, but I still need the help traveling. Does my Hubby deserve to have a vacation and go do things on his own? Absolutely, don't ever take anything different from that. But is it easy on me, with 2 young kids and a full time job? No it isn't. Will all my posts be bitching about something. No. But some will be. That's part of this life. And if I can't get my feelings out on my own blog, then where else can I?